I'm more scared of living a life without you
by Lil2393
Summary: After five months of adjusting, Oliver and Felicity talk about their relationship. Things are not as simple as they seem, and they must decide if they want to be together or not.


**As always, I'm sorry for any errors you may find. English is not my first language. Happy reading :)**

* * *

"Well, that was awkward."

Felicity was going down the steps of City Hall, talking to herself and not looking ahead. That's why she bumped into a very familiar chest.

Oliver's hands gripped her by the arms, steadying her on her feet.

"Oliver, hey. Sorry I wasn't looking—"

He smiled softly. "It's okay. What are you doing here?"

"Lance called me, he needed help for the computer system in a few offices here. I was free, so—here I am."

He tilted his head a little, studying her.

To say that things were complicated between them recently, it was a euphemism. They decided months before that they were on the same page regarding their relationship and feelings, but they also agreed to take things slow, for them but especially for William.

"Are you okay?" His voice was soft but unsure.

"Yeah, everything is fine. I need to go, I'll see you later?"

"Actually, I was about to call you. I need a favor—" He shifted, looking nervous.

"Sure, shoot."

He cracked a smile. "William has this important math test next week, and he needs help. I'm not very—" She held up a hand, stopping him. "Say no more. Algebra is my middle name."

His eyes lit up and she smiled wider. "Really?"

"Sure, when can I come over?"

He took her hand in his. "Dinner, tonight?"

Looking into his hoping eyes, she swallowed the lump in her throat, nodding. "O-Okay."

He smiled wider, leaning in to kiss her cheek softly. "I'll see you tonight then." And he made his way inside City Hall, not before squeezing her hand one last time.

She followed him with her eyes. "Yeah, tonight."

* * *

Oliver was standing in his kitchen, putting together dinner for his son and Felicity. Wow, saying both of their names together like that was amazing.

Despite the warm feeling in his chest, he was a bit nervous. William had already meet Felicity, and they actually had a nice relationship/friendship. The kid knew her a bit now, and Oliver could tell he liked her. Obviously, it was impossible not like Felicity.

She was just— _everything_.

What made him nervous was the way she diverted her eyes from him that morning, the way her smile didn't quite reach her eyes. Something was off, and he was afraid he was the reason for it.

His train of thoughts was interrupted by the doorbell. William was about to stand from the couch, but he was faster.

"I'll go, buddy. Dinner is almost ready, go wash your hands."

Oliver opened the door to find Felicity leaning against the wall, smiling softly.

"Your personal math teacher is here to save the day."

He smiled, stepping back to let her in. "Thank God, we need your superpowers." He helped her out of her coat, and went to face her again, he noticed the slightest dark shapes under her eyes.

"Are you okay?" He cupped her cheek. She leaned into his touch a little, closing her eyes. "Tired."

"We can reschedule—"

She took his hand and squeezed it. "No way, I was promised dinner and some math fun." She walked to the table, eyeing the wine, asking permission with her eyes. He nodded, smirking.

"I doubt math can be fun."

She took a sip, looking at him over her shoulder. "With me, everything is fun."

He crossed his arms over his chest, a knowing smile on his face. "Trust me, I know that."

When the double meaning of her words finally sunk in her head, she closed her eyes. "I didn't mean it to sound dirty."

He chuckled, moving to press a kiss on her forehead before heading to the kitchen.

William came into the room and Felicity smiled at him. "Hey, bud. How are you?"

Oliver saw a ghost of a smile on his son's face, and his heart made a jump in his chest.

"Hey, Felicity. I'm fine, you?" He took a seat on the table.

"Good, thanks. So—math is giving you problems?"

He shrugged. "A bit. I don't get it the way my teacher does it."

She nodded. "I see. Don't worry, we'll figure it out, math is kind of my thing." She patted his shoulder, before sitting down next to him, leaving Oliver the seat across from them.

Dinner went fine, Oliver stayed in silence most of it, listening to Felicity and William chatting about school, books and even video games.

He was sure he had the most stupid grin on his face the whole meal just watching them interact. William was—not exactly happy, but he was open and comfortable around her, these moments were the closest thing to happiness his kid experienced in a very long time.

And Felicity—well, she surprised him once again. She and his son clicked the moment they had a chance to talk. She was kind, understanding and funny without forcing it. She was natural.

"Why don't you go pick up your books? So we can begin to tackle down algebra."

William just nodded and went to his room. Felicity helped Oliver clear the table. "What will you do in the meantime?"

"I'll take a shower and then I have some paperwork to do for tomorrow."

William came back and the two of them settled on the table. He finished cleaning the kitchen before going up to his bedroom to take a very quick shower. When he came back down, they were so engrossed in math that they didn't even see him. He sat on the couch with his papers, muting a movie in the background.

The rest of the evening continued uneventful, the room was silent except for William and Felicity's occasional laughter and Felicity's explanations to some exercises.

After a solid hour and a half, Felicity's loud "Yes!" made him turn his head toward them. Her fist was raised up and William was watching her with a grin on his face. When Felicity opened her palm in a clear invitation, William was quick to high fived it.

He couldn't help but smile, warmth made his way inside his chest and he was sure his heart skipped a beat.

Felicity closed the book in front of her. "You're doing great, buddy. That test is already passed, trust me."

William smiled back at her, proud. "Thanks." He looked over to his father. "Can Felicity come and help me with my science project next week?"

Oliver eyed Felicity for a moment before going back to his son. "You have to ask her yourself, buddy."

William turned to her with a hopeful look on his face. She smiled at him. "Tell you what, I'll come and help if you teach me how to beat Cortex in Crash Bandicoot." Oliver had no idea what she was talking about, but William clearly did because he laughed a little, gathering his books. "Deal."

"Deal."

"I'll go to bed. Goodnight Felicity, and thank you."

"You're welcome. Goodnight."

He made his way to his bedroom, turning to his father. "Goodnight."

Oliver smiled at him. "Goodnight, buddy."

When the door of his son's bedroom closet, he put the papers down and stood, heading to Felicity. She was brushing her eyes, leaning on the table.

"You okay? He stressed you out?"

She looked up at him smiling, raising to her feet. "The contrary actually. He's smart, I only had to say things once and he immediately got it."

He rubbed her arms up and down. "You're an amazing teacher."

She leaned to him, dropping her forehead to his chest. His arms went around her immediately, caressing the skin at the nape of her neck and dropping a kiss to her hair. That was the closest they had been in a long time.

A few minutes later, her whisper reached his ears. "I should go." And yet, she made no move to even raise her head.

He cleared his throat. "You could stay, you know. To sleep—"

He felt the moment his words registered with her because her body became still in his arms. He regretted it immediately. He knew their situations was strange, to say the least. He didn't want to jeopardize the progress they had made in the last five months. But he just missed her, so damn much.

"Oliver—" She raised her head, avoiding his eyes a little. "I-I don't think it's a good idea, I mean—"

He nodded, a little disappointed. "I know, I'm sorry."

She gripped his hands. "No. It's just—I don't think now it's the right time."

"Yeah, I know."

"Please don't be mad."

He kissed her hand. "I couldn't be mad at you even if I wanted to."

"Good to know."

He kissed her forehead again before stepping back. He went to grab her coat and he helps her in.

"Text me when you get home, please."

She turned to him, smiling. "Sure."

"Thank you again for tonight."

"You're welcome Mr. Mayor."

He smiled, dropping a kiss to her cheek. With the last wave of her hand, she was gone.

* * *

The next evening Felicity Smoak was stepping out of the shower when her doorbell rang. Her eyes immediately flew to the clock. Almost half past ten, way too late for someone to be on her doorsteps. She wrapped herself in her towel, hooking it between her breasts and went down into the living room. She walked toward the door, ready to ask who was it when she saw the shadow on the other side and she opened the door immediately.

Oliver was standing still, dressed in casual clothes.

And then his eyes washed over her like a blanket, taking in her slightly wet hair cascading on her shoulders, and the few drops of water making their way down her skin.

His eyes went _dark_.

She, on the other hand, was way too worried to care. "Oliver, is everything okay? Is William okay?"

He sobered a little, focusing on her eyes instead of— _everything else_. "Yeah, he's fine."

"What are you doing here? It's late—" It wasn't an accusation, but he shifted on his feet nervously.

"I'm sorry, I just needed to see you. Can we talk?"

She stepped back, letting him in and closing the door behind her. He took off his jacket before turning to her.

She stood before him, looking like heaven and sin personified. Without his permission, his eyes went down her entire body again.

She finally noticed it. Her eyes followed his, and for the first time since the doorbell rang, she realized she was practically naked in front of Oliver.

"Hmm, I should—put something on." She pointed the stairs. He cleared his throat. "Yeah—I think it's best."

"Right." She bolted out of the room.

In truth, put clothes on her body was the last thing he wanted, in fact, he wanted nothing more that unhook that towel from the knot and just lose himself in her arms. But for him to be able to talk, she needed to be dressed.

Felicity came down the stairs a few minutes later with pajama pants on, a blue bra and a pink top. Her hair was dried and loose around her shoulders.

She entered the living room to find Oliver sitting on her couch and two glasses of red wine on the table. She sat beside him, tucking her legs under her.

"So—what's up?"

He raised his eyes to her, looking nervous.

"I would like to talk to you—about _us_."

Her heart started pounding in her chest. That was the moment she both looked for and dread. She didn't know why— _cancel that_ , she totally knew why. She simply refused to acknowledged it.

She shifted on the seat, suddenly uncomfortable.

"Oliver—"

"Look, I know we talked about it. I know it. I know that we draw some lines in the sand for good reasons, very good reasons. Reasons I totally agree on, but Felicity—that was _five months_ ago. I don't want to pressure you, there's not a timeline to follow here. It's just, I _miss_ you, like— _really_ miss you. And I know that you are right here, but at the same time you're not."

A flash of hurt passed across her eyes. Not because it wasn't the truth, but because _it was_.

"It's just—every time I try to go there, you look everywhere but me. You go somewhere else with your mind and I just need to know what you are thinking, what you feel—I don't know."

"If—" He closed his eyes for a moment. "If you changed your mind, if you want something else—someone else—"

Her eyes went wide. " _What_?"

"If we're not on the same page anymore—"

"We are. We're on the same page, Oliver. What—Why do you think that I would—"

"Lance. Lance heard Matthew asking you out on a date yesterday—"

Her eyes hardened for a moment.

He continued. "It's not what you think. He wasn't spying on you, he simply heard you guys talking while you were working on his computer. Earlier today he asked me if you and I sorted things out—he told me that Matthew looked interested in you. And that made me realize that I took a lot of things for granted in these past few months, and maybe something has changed- "

"Did Lance also told you what I answered him?" She stood from the couch, needing some distance.

He shook his head.

She turned away from him, passing a hand through her hair.

"I told him that I couldn't. I was about to say to him that I have a boyfriend, but I stopped myself—because that's not how we can define our relationship right now."

He stood as well.

"I know and I'm sorry about that. But that's exactly what I'm talking about here. What are we?"

She shook her head. "I don't know what we are."

He took a few steps toward her.

"Look, I know where I stand in all of this. Maybe I should have said it five months ago, so I'm saying it now. You're _it_ for me, you know that. It's been this way for a long time. I made mistakes, I tried to move on from you—but everything I have left to give is just- _yours_."

He passed a hand over his face. "I know what I'm asking here, with what we do and now William— I know it's a lot, _believe me,_ I know. But Felicity, _I love you_. I want us to be a family. I want William to look at you and see the amazing woman that I see when I look at you. I want to be happy—and the thing is, I can't be happy without you. I tried, and it didn't work. You're the only thing I care about besides my son—the only thing I can't live without."

She stood silently before him while he laid his heart at his feet.

He took a step forward. "I know you. I know there's more to this than just not being ready or putting a label on our relationship."

She averted her tears-stained eyes from his.

He pressed on. "You're scared."

"Oliver—" Her voice cracked.

He closed the distance between them, cupping her cheeks.

"Tell me what you're scared of, Felicity."

She looked at him from behind the blurry of her own tears. "I don't know. I just—" She shook her head a little. "With everything that happened I haven't had a moment to just— _think_."

He nodded, wiping away her tears. "About your feelings?"

"No, Oliver. No, I—I know how I feel about you. It's not that—"

She looked at him for a long moment before stepping back a little, his hands falling from her face.

"I'm scared of diving back into this relationship head first. Not because I don't love you or I don't want this anymore, _please_ believe me. Quite the opposite, in fact, my love for you is almost— _too much_. It grew with time instead of fading. I'm sorry I made you feel like I wasn't here, or that I changed my mind. It was never my intention to push you away."

His breath caught in his throat at her admission, because _that_ was what he was scared of. If she was still in love with him, then everything else he could deal with.

She raised her eyes to his. "We have so much history- I'm scared we're going to make the same mistakes again—and I just, I won't be able to take it this time. There's too much on the table now. I won't survive losing you again—and William. ."

He was about to say something, but she raised her hand, silencing him.

"I'm reticent not because I don't want you or because you have a son—he's a great kid and you're doing an amazing job with him Oliver, I really mean that- do I fear I'm not equal to the task of being a mother figure to him? _Absolutely_. But it's not even that—I believe William and I can learn to accept each other, become friends. And maybe with time, he will see me as someone he could rely on."

His eyes became softer, love erupting in his chest. "I would like that very much."

She smiled sadly at him.

"I'm scared because the moment we put a name on—" She made a gesture between the two of them. "— _this_ again- this time it's going to be _real_ and _forever._ I will be _all in_ and there will be no turning back."

 _There_. She finally said it.

She passed a hand through her hair. "And I know it's stupid—"

"It's not stupid, Felicity." He made his way to her, stopping a few feet away.

"First, and this is important. You _are_ equal to the task. You don't even see it, but William likes you. He asks of you when he doesn't see you for a couple of days. He _talks_ to you, and believe me that is saying something—he barely talks to me. So—while I agree that it will take some time, I'm _sure_ that you guys are going to find each other."

"He's a very smart kid."

He nodded. "He is, and that's why he likes you."

She smiled, wiping away some tears. Oliver took another step toward her, just a few inches separating them.

"Second, I'm scared too, Felicity. I know it doesn't look like it, but I am. I finally have everything I ever wanted within my grasp and I'm terrified I'll screw things up." He gently took her face in his hands locking their gaze.

"But Felicity, the thing is—I'm more scared of living a life without you by my side. I'm more scared of losing the oppurtunity we have to start a family together."

A quiet sob escaped her mouth and her hands traveled to his wrists. He smiled. "I can't promise you that I won't make mistakes—I just can't. But I can promise you that I will never hurt you intentionally. I will do everything in my power to protect the both of you, come home to you every day, trust you, make you feel loved."

Their forehead touched and his arms came around her, cocooning her in his warmth.

"I just—I just want a chance to make you see that."

She closed her eyes, relaxing in his arms. "I want that too, Oliver."

He tightens his arms around her, raising his head. "Yes?"

"Yes."

"Felicity- would you like to go out to dinner with me?"

She smiled, trailing a hand behind his neck. "I would love to."

He smiled back, brushing his nose against hers, waiting for her to take the next step. Her eyes sparkled.

It was more than a kiss, it was a promise sealed with blood. In their souls. It was a promise of a life together, with highs and lows, but most of all- _love_.


End file.
